A Bindle

I received a phone call from Alan Scherstuhl the other night. As noted earlier, it had been years since we had last spoken and now, after reuniting through Cousin Pete's Comedy City, the floodgates of communication are reopen. Years ago, I made it a habit of taping my phone conversations with Alan. Back then, I always had a feeling he would accidentally slip up and confess to a double-homicide, or something even more outlandish, and I would have the proof in case the feds came sniffing around and there was reward money in the picture. Upon listening to my voice mail and hearing his phone message requesting I return his call at once, I dusted off the old tape recorder. I hit record as he answered his phone:

Alan Scherstuhl: "Hello, Teel! Thanks for calling me back. I'll get to the point. I need a bindle. A bindle at once."

Mark Teel: "A bindle? As in what a hobo might use?"

A.S.: "Yes, a bindle. To be specific, a tattoo of a bindle. For my left buttock. To signify my thirtieth year. And my recent divorce. I'm a nomad, Teel. I must have a bindle on my ass, and you're the man for the job. It's of the grace of God that we've crossed paths again. Are you up for it? Say 'yes' or I'll hang up this phone."

M.T: "Okay. Just a bindle? Nothing else?"

A.S: "Yes, but it must be coming out of something. It can't be self contained. I mean, nobody sees a bindle just hovering there. It's gotta be in a bubble or something."

M.T.: "Oh, you mean, like, I could have a hobo carrying it or something? Or a hobo that looks like you? Or just y--"

A.S.: "No, no hobo. No people. Just the bindle. But not just hanging there. You don't see bindles just hanging there in mid-air, do you Teel?"

M.T.:"Well, no..."

A.S.: "What about the hole at the beginning of the Looney Toons?"

M.T.: "The one with Porky Pig coming out of it?"

A.S.: "Yeah, but with the hole closed. What if somebody were to stick that bindle outside of the hole seconds before it closed and left it hanging out? What about that?"

M.T.: "Okay, but it would look more like a big Tootsie Roll Pop coming out of a balloon."

A.S.: "That's fine. But just make sure it doesn't look like a lollipop. It's gotta look like a bindle or it'll just look ridiculous."

M.T.: "I can show you something by the end of the week. But what if Fred Phelps catches wind of this? He'll have his flunkies lined up for miles to protest. I mean, people might wonder what orifice this bindle is coming out from..."

A.S.: "Don't worry about Phelps. Leave that to me. Gotta go."

-click-

I was able to draw Alan what he wanted and emailed it to him. I hadn't heard back for a few days. About the time I forgot about it I received a check for $7.00 in the mail.